The History of Gin
or
A Fox's Tail
Is Life Existential? You Decide.
...
... Inspired By True Events ...
...
by
Kongo ' Colorado ' Gumi
Preface
"In the Beginning God Created the Heavens and the Earth."
(Genesis 1:1)
"In a Minute, You're Going to Hear... the R-r-r-rest of the Story!"
(Paul Harvey)
Chapter 1
Proto-Gin
Ginger Sue Mullins entered our world as an immature sperm in the left testicle of a bouncing baby boy and as an equally immature egg in the right ovary of a beaming baby girl at two distinct points in the midst of the Twentieth Century.
The early years were troubled for Ginny. Living for decades in the Proto state as separate and extremely randy bits within two different persons, the word Schizophrenia is too mild for the division and angst she endured. It truly is miraculous, and an inspiration to everyone, that she emerged with any sense at all.
Little is known of the eggiol Ginger. It is speculated that this half of proto-Gin was well-behaved, courteous and always would have sat modestly with her knees together, had she possessed them. Moreover, research has traced her forebears along this line directly back to the cave persons, Ogg n' Tina.
This cave couple is noteworthy in history because Ogg is credited with Humanity's first use of crude humor to bemuse, enrapture and seduce his intended mate sufficiently to tolerate him. In fact, in 1997 an archaeological expedition in its third year near the Black Sea discovered in the original cave of Ogg n' Tina a remarkable wall drawing depicting the inaugural event; Ogg swaggering home from a hunt with the private parts of a Mastodon to impress his betrothed. The archaeologists subsequently discovered local legends to the effect that this act led Tina to delay the nuptial union for two additional years.
More is documented for the spermatozoidiol proto-Gin, primarily because the unruly young Master Mullins' behavior was so bestial people cannot forget him. Of particular note is the prophetic declaration of his Third Grade teacher -- Miss Beatum, a blue-haired septuagenarian spinster who looked exactly like Winston Churchill in the Blitz -- that his path certainly would lead to Doom. It was the estate of this Miss Beatum that received several million dollars in compensation when a court determined Mullins used her likeness, without permission, for the grotesque monsters depicted in the blockbuster video game he eventually invented.
Aside from the general discomfort associated with living several years as a single cell possessing only 23 chromosomes, this proto-Gin's life prior to college was uneventful except for the shocks of two near-tragedies. The first brush with oblivion occurred when the still youthful Master Mullins -- whose predilection for misbehavior already is noted herein -- caught his crotch on the top of a chain link fence and nearly castrated himself while fleeing a wrathful neighbor after maliciously tying an empty Campbell's soup can to the tail of that person's beloved Calico cat. In the second event proto-Gin, who had fallen in with a bad crowd at the time, narrowly avoided a trip down the bathtub drain with millions of her companions when culmination of the pubescent Master Mullins' particular act in the shower was interrupted by his mother knocking on the bathroom door.
Remarkably, these two events so indelibly marked proto-Gin that today Ginger possesses otherwise inexplicable attractions to Kitties, Andy Warhol paintings and showers.
While attending college at Princeton. . .the teenaged Master Mullins somehow having avoided incarceration, murder, or both. . .it was noted by those responsible for keeping track of such things that proto-Gin was an indifferent student prone to gazing dreamily out windows and analyzing the fashion sense of nearby students and faculty. In fact, the point generally is conceded that proto-Gin depended heavily on the vacuous academic talents of the barely maturing Master Mullins rather than actually apply herself while at Princeton.
Nevertheless the fact remains that, with only minimal conflict between Mullins and the local authorities, proto-Gin eventually did graduate from that august institution -- on the whole, an extraordinary feat for a single-celled organism.
After college the adult Mister Mullins buckled down, regrouped and hit his stride. Foreseeing the need for more readily accessible pornography, he first invented the Internet. However this invention languished initially -- like an Information Superhighway with no traffic. With the foresight of a delinquent schoolboy composing an alibi while being questioned about his crime, Mullins eventually perceived that a thing to connect TO needed something to connect WITH and created the Personal Computer, which he sold by the millions on street corners to passersby. After a respite to pilot several Space Shuttle missions Mullins ultimately became the father of Doom, to universal acclaim.
He also somehow managed to romance a young woman, unite the proto-Gins and conceive the squiggly blob of protoplasm that today walks amongst us.
The early years were troubled for Ginny. Living for decades in the Proto state as separate and extremely randy bits within two different persons, the word Schizophrenia is too mild for the division and angst she endured. It truly is miraculous, and an inspiration to everyone, that she emerged with any sense at all.
Little is known of the eggiol Ginger. It is speculated that this half of proto-Gin was well-behaved, courteous and always would have sat modestly with her knees together, had she possessed them. Moreover, research has traced her forebears along this line directly back to the cave persons, Ogg n' Tina.
This cave couple is noteworthy in history because Ogg is credited with Humanity's first use of crude humor to bemuse, enrapture and seduce his intended mate sufficiently to tolerate him. In fact, in 1997 an archaeological expedition in its third year near the Black Sea discovered in the original cave of Ogg n' Tina a remarkable wall drawing depicting the inaugural event; Ogg swaggering home from a hunt with the private parts of a Mastodon to impress his betrothed. The archaeologists subsequently discovered local legends to the effect that this act led Tina to delay the nuptial union for two additional years.
More is documented for the spermatozoidiol proto-Gin, primarily because the unruly young Master Mullins' behavior was so bestial people cannot forget him. Of particular note is the prophetic declaration of his Third Grade teacher -- Miss Beatum, a blue-haired septuagenarian spinster who looked exactly like Winston Churchill in the Blitz -- that his path certainly would lead to Doom. It was the estate of this Miss Beatum that received several million dollars in compensation when a court determined Mullins used her likeness, without permission, for the grotesque monsters depicted in the blockbuster video game he eventually invented.
Aside from the general discomfort associated with living several years as a single cell possessing only 23 chromosomes, this proto-Gin's life prior to college was uneventful except for the shocks of two near-tragedies. The first brush with oblivion occurred when the still youthful Master Mullins -- whose predilection for misbehavior already is noted herein -- caught his crotch on the top of a chain link fence and nearly castrated himself while fleeing a wrathful neighbor after maliciously tying an empty Campbell's soup can to the tail of that person's beloved Calico cat. In the second event proto-Gin, who had fallen in with a bad crowd at the time, narrowly avoided a trip down the bathtub drain with millions of her companions when culmination of the pubescent Master Mullins' particular act in the shower was interrupted by his mother knocking on the bathroom door.
Remarkably, these two events so indelibly marked proto-Gin that today Ginger possesses otherwise inexplicable attractions to Kitties, Andy Warhol paintings and showers.
While attending college at Princeton. . .the teenaged Master Mullins somehow having avoided incarceration, murder, or both. . .it was noted by those responsible for keeping track of such things that proto-Gin was an indifferent student prone to gazing dreamily out windows and analyzing the fashion sense of nearby students and faculty. In fact, the point generally is conceded that proto-Gin depended heavily on the vacuous academic talents of the barely maturing Master Mullins rather than actually apply herself while at Princeton.
Nevertheless the fact remains that, with only minimal conflict between Mullins and the local authorities, proto-Gin eventually did graduate from that august institution -- on the whole, an extraordinary feat for a single-celled organism.
After college the adult Mister Mullins buckled down, regrouped and hit his stride. Foreseeing the need for more readily accessible pornography, he first invented the Internet. However this invention languished initially -- like an Information Superhighway with no traffic. With the foresight of a delinquent schoolboy composing an alibi while being questioned about his crime, Mullins eventually perceived that a thing to connect TO needed something to connect WITH and created the Personal Computer, which he sold by the millions on street corners to passersby. After a respite to pilot several Space Shuttle missions Mullins ultimately became the father of Doom, to universal acclaim.
He also somehow managed to romance a young woman, unite the proto-Gins and conceive the squiggly blob of protoplasm that today walks amongst us.
To Be Continued
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