Not-Exactly-Chopped-Liver Fiction™
a could-be-worse division of None-Too-Shabby Enterpises, Ink
PRESENTS :
The History of Gin
or
A Fox's Tail©
Is Life Existential? You Decide.
by ' Colorado ' Gumi
...I n s p i r e d By T r u e E v e n t s...
Chapter 18
Gin Meets Captain Kirk
or
A Fox's Tail©
Is Life Existential? You Decide.
by ' Colorado ' Gumi
...I n s p i r e d By T r u e E v e n t s...
Chapter 18
Gin Meets Captain Kirk
It wasn't that Gin actually met Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship, Enterprise, so much as she became him.
It's alright -- Ginny had grown used to leading the wild, exciting and glamorous life of "Uptown Gin"... then blinking and finding herself somewhere or someone entirely different. At least there's always a logical explanation (which won't be given here) and she didn't wake up a cockroach like the guy in that story everybody has to read and can't stand. As long as she walked away from these things without having six legs or leaving a slime trail it was OK by her.
Anyways how she got there wasn't her biggest problem. Nor was her biggest problem the two Klingon Battlecruisers and Romulan Bird-of-Prey that had the Enterprise surrounded. Even the fact that all the "redshirt" guys were dead and the dudes in blue shirts were going to have to start catching the caps wasn't her biggest problem. No, these problems were nothing next to her real biggest problem, which was that apparently even Starship captains fret about "panty lines" and the thong Kirk had worn that day was riding up her seat like dental floss.
Gin knew instinctively what to do -- she told Spock he was in charge and made a beeline for the elevator. Telling the elevator to take her to Deck 3 (as good a place as any), she immediately dropped the tight Capri pants all Star Trek dudes wear so she could get at the underwear attacking her from the rear. When the elevator door unexpectedly opened wide Gin had her pants in one hand and the aggressive thong in the other. And there before her waiting to enter stood the Captain's orderly, the lovely and blond Yeoman Rand who, though somewhat startled by the tableau before her, mainly was checking out his exposed "package" with an experienced, and appreciative, eye. Blushing vivid red, Gin bolted past the woman for the nearest restroom where she tossed the thong in the toilet and pulled the handle labeled "Flush to Space." With pants restored, Gin opened the restroom door a crack and peered into the corridor with a single blinking brown eye. And Yeoman Rand was just outside peering back with a single blinking blue eye. It was a Mexican Standoff, except neither was Mexican. . .nor anywhere near Mexico. Gin didn't need an Ivy League degree to figure what was coming next if she didn't act. Thinking fast she uttered the magic words... "That will be all, Yeoman." The woman responded with a crisp "Yes, Sir", turned on her toe and marched off. Watching the curvaceous Rand disappear down the corridor dressed in an utterly revealing and strictly by-the-book micro-mini skirted uniform, Ginny thanked god for Star Fleet dress regulations.
As always, Capt. Kirk's command decision (as issued this time by Gin, if you're following along) was masterful. Spock handled everything. By the time her wardrobe malfunction was resolved and she'd returned to the captain's chair the enemy starships and crews were a shimmering veil of disassociated atoms, a fresh supply of red-clad cannon fodder had been located in Engineering where they'd hidden and the ship was on its way to the pleasure domes of Rigel II for an overdue vacation. The bad part was the troublesome thong she'd jettisoned to space somehow had drifted in front of the Enterprise and plastered itself across the view screen like a huge bug. They had to look at it there the whole way to Rigel -- Ginny pretended not to know what it was.
Once on Rigel it was the same old story. Spock, who was a gooey center of Human sensuality wrapped in a hard Vulcan shell -- like an M&M -- fell hard for one of those steamy green-Orion-slave-girl chicks. Scotty got stupefyingly drunk on antique single-malt Scotch and began hunting the English members of the crew for revenge and sport. The more Dr. McCoy relaxed the more he sounded like, and dressed as, Scarlett O'Hara in "Gone with the Wind." Yeoman Rand worked on her all-over tan, which was easy given that Star Fleet had just changed the regulation female uniform to a Brazilian thong bikini bottom with no top. Finally, and yet once again, in all the excitement everybody had transported down to the planet and forgotten to leave anyone on the Enterprise -- It was going to be a long shore leave.
And it didn't help when the Klingons captured the planet.
Life under the disgusting Klingon overlords was brutal. Planet-wide they immediately exterminated ...disease and poverty. They dismantled all indigenous government and imposed the rule of ...individual freedom. They empowered puppet monarchs who were chosen ...at random to spend a day in sumptuous luxury like in that old "Queen for a Day" show, only better. Already at confiscatory levels, they increased taxes on ...nothing, but rather eliminated taxation entirely. And the savages made sure all the little kittens and puppies had happy, loving homes. It was an inhuman regime and the enterprising Enterprise crew, at least those not constantly fornicating amongst themselves on the legendarily libidinous Rigelian beaches (leaving a total of maybe 5 people), rushed to topple it.
The Enterprise Liberation Front (Elf) consisted of: Mr. Spock, whose capricious green paramour had ditched him for Nurse Chapel. Scotty, who had annihilated the English contingent of the crew and contemplated starting in on the Irish before this chance to kill Klingons came up. Dr. McCoy, who was stunning in an Antebellum formal gown. Yeoman Rand, who always was "Where the Boys Are." And Lt. Uhura, who never missed a chance to pretend to work a radio. Lt. Sulu was too busy chasing a reluctant Ensign Chekov down the aforementioned beaches and Nurse Chapel was otherwise occupied with her gamey green girl-toy. At the first meeting of the Elf resistance they realized no one had seen the Captain for quite a while. They sent Rand to find him. Many days later they realized no one had seen Rand for quite a while.
Jim and Janice -- they quickly dropped military rank for first names (except when playing "General Patton slaps Private Kuhl") -- had settled in a little grass shack off a secluded beach. Days earlier when Rand found the Captain he was innocently flying a kite and playing in the surf. She quickly enticed him to abandon the winsome toys of boyhood and indulge in the winsomer toys of manhood, as supplied by the gorgeous and double-jointed "Try-Sexual" yeoman. Not long thereafter Little Jim was in command of the good ship "Kirk", the Captain was on auto-pilot and Ginny, somewhat agog, was just along for the (very long) ride.
When Spock finally stumbled across the Captain (literally stumbled, since Kirk was hogtied in the sand) the sun-bronzed Yeoman Rand was waving an enthusiastic good-bye as Nurse Chapel and her green sidekick disappeared down the beach. The two couples had just finished Rand's favorite S&M game called "Khan Takes the Enterprise and her Crew", which explained Kirk's bindings and the yeoman's flushed and thoroughly sated demeanor. Afraid to know any more than that, Spock immediately apprised Captain Kirk of the situation and led the pair back to Elf HQ to plot the Klingons' demise. As it turns out, the surprisingly small Klingon contingent on Rigel was stationed in a single headquarters complex housing a huge transporter facility connected directly to the Klingon homeworld. A successful attack at this site would clear the planet of Klingon Oppression. The whole thing seemed strange to Ginny since this Klingon "Oppression" appeared to be a good thing, but who was she to question these highly-trained professionals.
Elf struck a few days later. The Klingons, preoccupied with transporting tons of supplies from their homeworld in preparation for a worldwide pizza and ice-cream surprise party for the Rigelians, were overrun quickly. With his bare hands Scotty personally strangled the four bestial Klingon subjugators of the planet. Then they sent their own surprise back to Klingon; a globe-shattering mega-bomb constructed by Spock and Scotty from some wire, a battery, one of Yeoman Rand's unused tampons and 16 tons of enriched cobalt-uranium antimatter. The explosion, which was heard back on Earth, reduced the Klingons to a scheming, destructive, murderous, empire-crazy scourge that threatened galactic civilization for centuries thereafter. ...Once again the Enterprise crew had cleverly cleaned the Klingon's clock.
It wasn't long before a Federation ship (called for by the Rigelians) arrived to extract the Enterprise crew from the planet (at the Rigelians' insistence) and return them to the Enterprise. Restored to their beloved starship, flush with victory, and thoroughly infested with the Rigelian version of pubic lice, the Enterprise crew warped out of orbit just before the Rigelian ultimatum expired. It would be many, many years before the Rigelians cooled down.
And the Enterprise zipped along the galaxy, continuing its mission. That is, they made a pretense of being on a scientific voyage of discovery but actually they were dying to give the Romulans a dose of what the Klingons just got. Frequently the vigilant Ensign Chekov, sitting as far from Sulu as possible, detected an anomaly on the bridge... a disgusting, creepy presence that sent a shiver up everyone's spine. But it always turned out to be Spock stepping out of the elevator. Meanwhile, Mr. Sulu (who though Japanese, had Roamin' hands) kept inching his chair closer to the ensign's. Every five or ten minutes Uhura would walk before the view screen, drop her pen and bend to pick it up while aiming her tush in Sulu's direction. Dr. McCoy was doing the same thing, only he skipped rather than walked. No one saw Scotty -- He was locked away in Engineering busy building the Romulans’ bomb (rumors flew he was making one for Earth, too). Gin spent her time watching these whackos and hoping Kirk hurried back to his body, which had gotten very itchy thanks to the promiscuous Yeoman Rand...
When Gin and Captain Kirk finally switched bodies their consciousness overlapped for a brief moment and they communed. Kirk complimented Gin's collection of Victoria's Secrets -- the thongs, especially, felt divine. In fact, he'd taken the liberty of buying a new VS body-suit, pinky-purplish with shorts, that he'd seen and just had to have; it was totally awesome. He had put the outfit on her Visa ...he was sure she didn't mind... and suggested she might have it well cleaned before wearing it again. Just before they separated he added (sotto voce, so it was very hard to catch) that the big ding on her green beemer's door wasn't his fault. For her part Gin didn't mention his own thong nor the Rigel thingy but did warn that Yeoman Rand kept a set of manacles and leg irons between the mattress and box springs.
Ginny was tickled to be herself. Interstellar travel was much better in theory than practice, especially in the company of a swaggering clique of vainglorious yahoos.
And when her next credit card bill came in the mail she hit the ceiling.
It's alright -- Ginny had grown used to leading the wild, exciting and glamorous life of "Uptown Gin"... then blinking and finding herself somewhere or someone entirely different. At least there's always a logical explanation (which won't be given here) and she didn't wake up a cockroach like the guy in that story everybody has to read and can't stand. As long as she walked away from these things without having six legs or leaving a slime trail it was OK by her.
Anyways how she got there wasn't her biggest problem. Nor was her biggest problem the two Klingon Battlecruisers and Romulan Bird-of-Prey that had the Enterprise surrounded. Even the fact that all the "redshirt" guys were dead and the dudes in blue shirts were going to have to start catching the caps wasn't her biggest problem. No, these problems were nothing next to her real biggest problem, which was that apparently even Starship captains fret about "panty lines" and the thong Kirk had worn that day was riding up her seat like dental floss.
Gin knew instinctively what to do -- she told Spock he was in charge and made a beeline for the elevator. Telling the elevator to take her to Deck 3 (as good a place as any), she immediately dropped the tight Capri pants all Star Trek dudes wear so she could get at the underwear attacking her from the rear. When the elevator door unexpectedly opened wide Gin had her pants in one hand and the aggressive thong in the other. And there before her waiting to enter stood the Captain's orderly, the lovely and blond Yeoman Rand who, though somewhat startled by the tableau before her, mainly was checking out his exposed "package" with an experienced, and appreciative, eye. Blushing vivid red, Gin bolted past the woman for the nearest restroom where she tossed the thong in the toilet and pulled the handle labeled "Flush to Space." With pants restored, Gin opened the restroom door a crack and peered into the corridor with a single blinking brown eye. And Yeoman Rand was just outside peering back with a single blinking blue eye. It was a Mexican Standoff, except neither was Mexican. . .nor anywhere near Mexico. Gin didn't need an Ivy League degree to figure what was coming next if she didn't act. Thinking fast she uttered the magic words... "That will be all, Yeoman." The woman responded with a crisp "Yes, Sir", turned on her toe and marched off. Watching the curvaceous Rand disappear down the corridor dressed in an utterly revealing and strictly by-the-book micro-mini skirted uniform, Ginny thanked god for Star Fleet dress regulations.
As always, Capt. Kirk's command decision (as issued this time by Gin, if you're following along) was masterful. Spock handled everything. By the time her wardrobe malfunction was resolved and she'd returned to the captain's chair the enemy starships and crews were a shimmering veil of disassociated atoms, a fresh supply of red-clad cannon fodder had been located in Engineering where they'd hidden and the ship was on its way to the pleasure domes of Rigel II for an overdue vacation. The bad part was the troublesome thong she'd jettisoned to space somehow had drifted in front of the Enterprise and plastered itself across the view screen like a huge bug. They had to look at it there the whole way to Rigel -- Ginny pretended not to know what it was.
Once on Rigel it was the same old story. Spock, who was a gooey center of Human sensuality wrapped in a hard Vulcan shell -- like an M&M -- fell hard for one of those steamy green-Orion-slave-girl chicks. Scotty got stupefyingly drunk on antique single-malt Scotch and began hunting the English members of the crew for revenge and sport. The more Dr. McCoy relaxed the more he sounded like, and dressed as, Scarlett O'Hara in "Gone with the Wind." Yeoman Rand worked on her all-over tan, which was easy given that Star Fleet had just changed the regulation female uniform to a Brazilian thong bikini bottom with no top. Finally, and yet once again, in all the excitement everybody had transported down to the planet and forgotten to leave anyone on the Enterprise -- It was going to be a long shore leave.
And it didn't help when the Klingons captured the planet.
Life under the disgusting Klingon overlords was brutal. Planet-wide they immediately exterminated ...disease and poverty. They dismantled all indigenous government and imposed the rule of ...individual freedom. They empowered puppet monarchs who were chosen ...at random to spend a day in sumptuous luxury like in that old "Queen for a Day" show, only better. Already at confiscatory levels, they increased taxes on ...nothing, but rather eliminated taxation entirely. And the savages made sure all the little kittens and puppies had happy, loving homes. It was an inhuman regime and the enterprising Enterprise crew, at least those not constantly fornicating amongst themselves on the legendarily libidinous Rigelian beaches (leaving a total of maybe 5 people), rushed to topple it.
The Enterprise Liberation Front (Elf) consisted of: Mr. Spock, whose capricious green paramour had ditched him for Nurse Chapel. Scotty, who had annihilated the English contingent of the crew and contemplated starting in on the Irish before this chance to kill Klingons came up. Dr. McCoy, who was stunning in an Antebellum formal gown. Yeoman Rand, who always was "Where the Boys Are." And Lt. Uhura, who never missed a chance to pretend to work a radio. Lt. Sulu was too busy chasing a reluctant Ensign Chekov down the aforementioned beaches and Nurse Chapel was otherwise occupied with her gamey green girl-toy. At the first meeting of the Elf resistance they realized no one had seen the Captain for quite a while. They sent Rand to find him. Many days later they realized no one had seen Rand for quite a while.
Jim and Janice -- they quickly dropped military rank for first names (except when playing "General Patton slaps Private Kuhl") -- had settled in a little grass shack off a secluded beach. Days earlier when Rand found the Captain he was innocently flying a kite and playing in the surf. She quickly enticed him to abandon the winsome toys of boyhood and indulge in the winsomer toys of manhood, as supplied by the gorgeous and double-jointed "Try-Sexual" yeoman. Not long thereafter Little Jim was in command of the good ship "Kirk", the Captain was on auto-pilot and Ginny, somewhat agog, was just along for the (very long) ride.
When Spock finally stumbled across the Captain (literally stumbled, since Kirk was hogtied in the sand) the sun-bronzed Yeoman Rand was waving an enthusiastic good-bye as Nurse Chapel and her green sidekick disappeared down the beach. The two couples had just finished Rand's favorite S&M game called "Khan Takes the Enterprise and her Crew", which explained Kirk's bindings and the yeoman's flushed and thoroughly sated demeanor. Afraid to know any more than that, Spock immediately apprised Captain Kirk of the situation and led the pair back to Elf HQ to plot the Klingons' demise. As it turns out, the surprisingly small Klingon contingent on Rigel was stationed in a single headquarters complex housing a huge transporter facility connected directly to the Klingon homeworld. A successful attack at this site would clear the planet of Klingon Oppression. The whole thing seemed strange to Ginny since this Klingon "Oppression" appeared to be a good thing, but who was she to question these highly-trained professionals.
Elf struck a few days later. The Klingons, preoccupied with transporting tons of supplies from their homeworld in preparation for a worldwide pizza and ice-cream surprise party for the Rigelians, were overrun quickly. With his bare hands Scotty personally strangled the four bestial Klingon subjugators of the planet. Then they sent their own surprise back to Klingon; a globe-shattering mega-bomb constructed by Spock and Scotty from some wire, a battery, one of Yeoman Rand's unused tampons and 16 tons of enriched cobalt-uranium antimatter. The explosion, which was heard back on Earth, reduced the Klingons to a scheming, destructive, murderous, empire-crazy scourge that threatened galactic civilization for centuries thereafter. ...Once again the Enterprise crew had cleverly cleaned the Klingon's clock.
It wasn't long before a Federation ship (called for by the Rigelians) arrived to extract the Enterprise crew from the planet (at the Rigelians' insistence) and return them to the Enterprise. Restored to their beloved starship, flush with victory, and thoroughly infested with the Rigelian version of pubic lice, the Enterprise crew warped out of orbit just before the Rigelian ultimatum expired. It would be many, many years before the Rigelians cooled down.
And the Enterprise zipped along the galaxy, continuing its mission. That is, they made a pretense of being on a scientific voyage of discovery but actually they were dying to give the Romulans a dose of what the Klingons just got. Frequently the vigilant Ensign Chekov, sitting as far from Sulu as possible, detected an anomaly on the bridge... a disgusting, creepy presence that sent a shiver up everyone's spine. But it always turned out to be Spock stepping out of the elevator. Meanwhile, Mr. Sulu (who though Japanese, had Roamin' hands) kept inching his chair closer to the ensign's. Every five or ten minutes Uhura would walk before the view screen, drop her pen and bend to pick it up while aiming her tush in Sulu's direction. Dr. McCoy was doing the same thing, only he skipped rather than walked. No one saw Scotty -- He was locked away in Engineering busy building the Romulans’ bomb (rumors flew he was making one for Earth, too). Gin spent her time watching these whackos and hoping Kirk hurried back to his body, which had gotten very itchy thanks to the promiscuous Yeoman Rand...
When Gin and Captain Kirk finally switched bodies their consciousness overlapped for a brief moment and they communed. Kirk complimented Gin's collection of Victoria's Secrets -- the thongs, especially, felt divine. In fact, he'd taken the liberty of buying a new VS body-suit, pinky-purplish with shorts, that he'd seen and just had to have; it was totally awesome. He had put the outfit on her Visa ...he was sure she didn't mind... and suggested she might have it well cleaned before wearing it again. Just before they separated he added (sotto voce, so it was very hard to catch) that the big ding on her green beemer's door wasn't his fault. For her part Gin didn't mention his own thong nor the Rigel thingy but did warn that Yeoman Rand kept a set of manacles and leg irons between the mattress and box springs.
Ginny was tickled to be herself. Interstellar travel was much better in theory than practice, especially in the company of a swaggering clique of vainglorious yahoos.
And when her next credit card bill came in the mail she hit the ceiling.
To Be Continued
