The History of Gin
or
A Fox's Tail
Is Life Existential? You Decide.
by ' Colorado ' Gumi
...I n s p i r e d By T r u e E v e n t s...
Chapter 10
The PETAnic Verses
At odd times in odd places over the past several years remarkable rhyming couplets have been found that appear to be related parts of a supremely sublime poetic work. The first verse was found on the floor under a table in a library associated with a Ivy League university in the United States of America. The table was oddly askew and appeared to have been leaned against or sat upon (or both) by party, or parties unknown. Another was found by the night doorman in a big city apartment building when he investigated an elevator alarm. Tracing the alarm, he opened the elevator's outer doors to find it stopped between floors, empty except for a verse scrawled tissue that drifted like a feather to settle at his feet. The other couplet pairs were discovered in similar circumstances.
There is no apparent connection, nor even reason to suspect a connection, between these verses and Ginger Mullins. However, in all probability she would deny any association, and if pressed, somehow might even manage to convince a lie-detector concerning her veracity.
These are the verses in order of their discovery:
A Guinea Pig's a cinch to skin.
Just slice the hide from tail to chin.
Tug a bit and pull a lot.
Then pitch the carcass in a pot.
A Frenchman loves his horse it's said.
He loves them live, he loves them dead.
He loves them saddled so he can ride.
He loves them grilled, or lightly fried.
A Korean's dog has cause to fret.
Cuz there's the chance he's not a pet.
Not a companion that's true and blue.
But just part of the Korean's stew.
A lobster leads a happy life.
Loves his parents, adores his wife.
He knows much joy and smiles a lot.
Until he sees the boiling pot.
Buying a mouse at the pet store.
They have a sale so we buy four.
Returning home, each one we take.
And feed it live to our pet snake.
Everyone loves a kangaroo.
The way they act, the things they do.
The Aussies sure do think them nice.
Smothered with gravy and served on rice.
One never knows quite what to do.
When served a dish of guinea stew.
Is this a pig that one has met?
Is this, perhaps, the cook's ex-pet?
A Guinea is a wondrous beast.
Fun to pet and good for feast.
Buy just one to give a try.
Then buy more for guinea pie.
A total of eight related pairs of couplets have been discovered and authenticated. Claims for dozens, perhaps hundreds, of other verses have been advanced but they always have proved to be, at best, unrelated or, at worse, outright fraud. The following discredited claimant is typical;
I really think it would be neat.
To spray whipped cream there on your seat.
To bend you o'r a comfy chair.
And lick it up as you rest there.
In the case of this verse, though originally judged to be genuine, laborious linguistic analysis determined that while it shares some superficial traits with the authentic verses, the subject of these couplets is something else entirely.
When the verified verses first made their piecemeal appearances the "animal rights" organization PETA trumpeted them as indictments of animal exploitation and anthems of their cause. However long study has proved the verses, so dripping with sarcasm it puddles on the floor, actually glorify the consumption of animals, even beloved pets that might have cute names like Sparkle and Mopsey. Stung by humiliation, PETA reversed it's stand and issued a death sentence for the composer of the verses, offering to reward the executioner with a pair of Birkenstock's, size 9-1/2, a bag of Goody unisex ponytail elastics and a $35 gift card redeemable at the website of a well-known Vegan e-tailer. This organization's harsh response led to the rhyming collection's current popular moniker, "The PETAnic Verses."
A disturbing aspect of The PETAnic Verses' accepted celebration of meat-eating are persistent rumors concerning a "lost" verse claimed to have been discovered but never released. This verse, supposedly the terminating rhyme that binds the others together (kind of like the "Lord of the Rings", huh?) into a collective definition of Humankind's ultimate position in the Universe, is said to be suppressed by a party, or by parties, unknown. Some experts charge that the United States Federal Government has buried the verse under a massive cover-up centered on Area 52 (that legendary black facility just down the road from Area 51 and next to the equally ultra-secret trailer park containing Area 69-and-a-half). Others blame the Council on Foreign Relations and Trilateral Commission; which certainly deserve condemnation, irregardless. Local legend in Manhattan reports that the "lost" verse was found on the sticky floor under a particular pair of seats in a Village movie theater. One thing is certain, the legendary lost couplets have never been published until now:
Aliens land and things are great.
They leave a book that we translate.
It's simply titled, "To Serve Man."
And serve they do, hot from the pan.
Again, there is no reason to associate Ginger Mullins with "The PETAnic Verses", separately or severally. However, it is very suspicious that this name invariably arises in discussions of the mysterious couplets (heck, it's been mentioned here twice already). Several experts in the field, while grudgingly granting the assumption of some theoretical innocence supposedly required by the American Constitution, steadfastly maintain that Ginger Mullins (third time) has complete and total knowledge of the verses and the circumstances of their origin.
There is no apparent connection, nor even reason to suspect a connection, between these verses and Ginger Mullins. However, in all probability she would deny any association, and if pressed, somehow might even manage to convince a lie-detector concerning her veracity.
These are the verses in order of their discovery:
A Guinea Pig's a cinch to skin.
Just slice the hide from tail to chin.
Tug a bit and pull a lot.
Then pitch the carcass in a pot.
A Frenchman loves his horse it's said.
He loves them live, he loves them dead.
He loves them saddled so he can ride.
He loves them grilled, or lightly fried.
A Korean's dog has cause to fret.
Cuz there's the chance he's not a pet.
Not a companion that's true and blue.
But just part of the Korean's stew.
A lobster leads a happy life.
Loves his parents, adores his wife.
He knows much joy and smiles a lot.
Until he sees the boiling pot.
Buying a mouse at the pet store.
They have a sale so we buy four.
Returning home, each one we take.
And feed it live to our pet snake.
Everyone loves a kangaroo.
The way they act, the things they do.
The Aussies sure do think them nice.
Smothered with gravy and served on rice.
One never knows quite what to do.
When served a dish of guinea stew.
Is this a pig that one has met?
Is this, perhaps, the cook's ex-pet?
A Guinea is a wondrous beast.
Fun to pet and good for feast.
Buy just one to give a try.
Then buy more for guinea pie.
A total of eight related pairs of couplets have been discovered and authenticated. Claims for dozens, perhaps hundreds, of other verses have been advanced but they always have proved to be, at best, unrelated or, at worse, outright fraud. The following discredited claimant is typical;
I really think it would be neat.
To spray whipped cream there on your seat.
To bend you o'r a comfy chair.
And lick it up as you rest there.
In the case of this verse, though originally judged to be genuine, laborious linguistic analysis determined that while it shares some superficial traits with the authentic verses, the subject of these couplets is something else entirely.
When the verified verses first made their piecemeal appearances the "animal rights" organization PETA trumpeted them as indictments of animal exploitation and anthems of their cause. However long study has proved the verses, so dripping with sarcasm it puddles on the floor, actually glorify the consumption of animals, even beloved pets that might have cute names like Sparkle and Mopsey. Stung by humiliation, PETA reversed it's stand and issued a death sentence for the composer of the verses, offering to reward the executioner with a pair of Birkenstock's, size 9-1/2, a bag of Goody unisex ponytail elastics and a $35 gift card redeemable at the website of a well-known Vegan e-tailer. This organization's harsh response led to the rhyming collection's current popular moniker, "The PETAnic Verses."
A disturbing aspect of The PETAnic Verses' accepted celebration of meat-eating are persistent rumors concerning a "lost" verse claimed to have been discovered but never released. This verse, supposedly the terminating rhyme that binds the others together (kind of like the "Lord of the Rings", huh?) into a collective definition of Humankind's ultimate position in the Universe, is said to be suppressed by a party, or by parties, unknown. Some experts charge that the United States Federal Government has buried the verse under a massive cover-up centered on Area 52 (that legendary black facility just down the road from Area 51 and next to the equally ultra-secret trailer park containing Area 69-and-a-half). Others blame the Council on Foreign Relations and Trilateral Commission; which certainly deserve condemnation, irregardless. Local legend in Manhattan reports that the "lost" verse was found on the sticky floor under a particular pair of seats in a Village movie theater. One thing is certain, the legendary lost couplets have never been published until now:
Aliens land and things are great.
They leave a book that we translate.
It's simply titled, "To Serve Man."
And serve they do, hot from the pan.
Again, there is no reason to associate Ginger Mullins with "The PETAnic Verses", separately or severally. However, it is very suspicious that this name invariably arises in discussions of the mysterious couplets (heck, it's been mentioned here twice already). Several experts in the field, while grudgingly granting the assumption of some theoretical innocence supposedly required by the American Constitution, steadfastly maintain that Ginger Mullins (third time) has complete and total knowledge of the verses and the circumstances of their origin.
To Be Continued
