Chap. 2 - 'Ginger in Wombderland'

The History of Gin
or
A Fox's Tail


Is Life Existential?   You Decide.
by   ' Colorado '  Gumi
...I n s p i r e d By T r u e E v e n t s...


Chapter 2

Ginger in Wombderland

The interlude prior to birth was very productive for Ginger who, while certainly a precocious child, was an infinitely more precocious fetus. Undistracted by the vulgar outside world, her little light shone like a supernova.

Within the first hours of conception prepartum-Gin independently discovered and cataloged the Human Genome using stray bits of DNA she found drifting about; a task as yet not completed by hordes of scientists and legions of engineers spending piles of lawyers' steamy dough.

A day later she cracked the elusive Unified Field Theory and opened the door for humanity to faster-than-light speed, time travel and transmutation of matter. Incidentally she found and corrected several arithmetic errors in Albert Einstein's work on Relativity and communicated her progress to him via a permanent conduit for communion with the spirit-world that she established for that very purpose.

Reportedly, Dr. Einstein was tickled to receive the update and wished her all the best. Having mentioned he had been totally occupied in the years since his death with trying to balance his old check book, she did that for him, too.

Never a shallow thinker, prepartum-Gin devoted a few minutes to creation of the Unifying Precept for all religions and philosophies to guarantee unending peace, harmony and happiness amongst all beings, and indeed between all things, in each of the twelve universes she had mapped by that time.

Insisting that her work be known, she devised a means to transfer her wealth of discovery to the world at large. Forever a dependably clueless parent, Mister Mullins, in one of humanity's more notable lapses of perception, missed the point entirely by thinking prepartum-Gin's communication from the womb via Morse code was mere random kicking of her tiny leg. Undaunted and ever resourceful, she nonetheless maintained copious notes for posterity encoded in the molecules of the surrounding embryonic fluid.

At the very point of completing work on a time travel device to enable her to go back and undo all the bad ever done -- she had just added final notes to the engineer's fabrication drawings for the Interspatial Dimension-wide Flocculator subassembly and was discussing a prospective launch date with Bleezzzak-aug_53, the project's Pan-Temporal Architect -- the shakings, rattlings and rollings that herald commencement of birth in the human animal started. Caught completely unaware, having been inattentive during the Lamaze classes her parents attended, prepartum-Gin was not prepared for the subsequent rush of events.

With no recourse but to go with the flow, she found herself forcefully evacuated from her research complex in a jumble with all her work, notes and other achievements, including invaluable original art doodled during idle moments, her compendium and critique (composed in Middle English) of all human literature, and the final proof that Elvis was still alive. Thwarted in repeated attempts to return to her lab, Ginger found herself squirming naked on a stainless-steel tray; displayed under stark, unflattering lights for the amusement of onlookers and lay-abouts. Injury quickly followed insult when she was hoisted rudely by the ankles and a latex-encased hand drew back to strike.

As the traumatic slap on her tender tookus forever erased her prepartum memory, Ginger gaped in horror at the irreplaceable record of her research splashed pell-mell across the floor and dripping from the grubby doctor's loathsome hands. Terrorized, she emitted a first cry that curdled the blood of every soul in the hospital.

The last coherent, albeit incomplete, thought of prepartum-Gin had been, "I shall certainly sue that son-of-a ."

To Be Continued

Chap. 1 - 'Proto-Gin'

The History of Gin
or
A Fox's Tail


Is Life Existential?   You Decide.

...
... Inspired By True Events ...
...
by
Kongo  ' Colorado '  Gumi


Preface

"In the Beginning God Created the Heavens and the Earth."
(Genesis 1:1)

"In a Minute, You're Going to Hear... the R-r-r-rest of the Story!"
(Paul Harvey)



Chapter 1

Proto-Gin

Ginger Sue Mullins entered our world as an immature sperm in the left testicle of a bouncing baby boy and as an equally immature egg in the right ovary of a beaming baby girl at two distinct points in the midst of the Twentieth Century.

The early years were troubled for Ginny. Living for decades in the Proto state as separate and extremely randy bits within two different persons, the word Schizophrenia is too mild for the division and angst she endured. It truly is miraculous, and an inspiration to everyone, that she emerged with any sense at all.

Little is known of the eggiol Ginger. It is speculated that this half of proto-Gin was well-behaved, courteous and always would have sat modestly with her knees together, had she possessed them. Moreover, research has traced her forebears along this line directly back to the cave persons, Ogg n' Tina.

This cave couple is noteworthy in history because Ogg is credited with Humanity's first use of crude humor to bemuse, enrapture and seduce his intended mate sufficiently to tolerate him. In fact, in 1997 an archaeological expedition in its third year near the Black Sea discovered in the original cave of Ogg n' Tina a remarkable wall drawing depicting the inaugural event; Ogg swaggering home from a hunt with the private parts of a Mastodon to impress his betrothed. The archaeologists subsequently discovered local legends to the effect that this act led Tina to delay the nuptial union for two additional years.

More is documented for the spermatozoidiol proto-Gin, primarily because the unruly young Master Mullins' behavior was so bestial people cannot forget him. Of particular note is the prophetic declaration of his Third Grade teacher -- Miss Beatum, a blue-haired septuagenarian spinster who looked exactly like Winston Churchill in the Blitz -- that his path certainly would lead to Doom. It was the estate of this Miss Beatum that received several million dollars in compensation when a court determined Mullins used her likeness, without permission, for the grotesque monsters depicted in the blockbuster video game he eventually invented.

Aside from the general discomfort associated with living several years as a single cell possessing only 23 chromosomes, this proto-Gin's life prior to college was uneventful except for the shocks of two near-tragedies. The first brush with oblivion occurred when the still youthful Master Mullins -- whose predilection for misbehavior already is noted herein -- caught his crotch on the top of a chain link fence and nearly castrated himself while fleeing a wrathful neighbor after maliciously tying an empty Campbell's soup can to the tail of that person's beloved Calico cat. In the second event proto-Gin, who had fallen in with a bad crowd at the time, narrowly avoided a trip down the bathtub drain with millions of her companions when culmination of the pubescent Master Mullins' particular act in the shower was interrupted by his mother knocking on the bathroom door.

Remarkably, these two events so indelibly marked proto-Gin that today Ginger possesses otherwise inexplicable attractions to Kitties, Andy Warhol paintings and showers.


While attending college at Princeton. . .the teenaged Master Mullins somehow having avoided incarceration, murder, or both. . .it was noted by those responsible for keeping track of such things that proto-Gin was an indifferent student prone to gazing dreamily out windows and analyzing the fashion sense of nearby students and faculty. In fact, the point generally is conceded that proto-Gin depended heavily on the vacuous academic talents of the barely maturing Master Mullins rather than actually apply herself while at Princeton.

Nevertheless the fact remains that, with only minimal conflict between Mullins and the local authorities, proto-Gin eventually did graduate from that august institution -- on the whole, an extraordinary feat for a single-celled organism.

After college the adult Mister Mullins buckled down, regrouped and hit his stride. Foreseeing the need for more readily accessible pornography, he first invented the Internet. However this invention languished initially -- like an Information Superhighway with no traffic. With the foresight of a delinquent schoolboy composing an alibi while being questioned about his crime, Mullins eventually perceived that a thing to connect TO needed something to connect WITH and created the Personal Computer, which he sold by the millions on street corners to passersby. After a respite to pilot several Space Shuttle missions Mullins ultimately became the father of Doom, to universal acclaim.

He also somehow managed to romance a young woman, unite the proto-Gins and conceive the squiggly blob of protoplasm that today walks amongst us.

To Be Continued